How to Make Your Own Chamois Lube

An important but often neglected (or at least rarely discussed) aspect to cycling a lot is the need to lube up the old grundle to keep from getting saddle sores.  There are lots of off-the-shelf solutions out there on the market, but I think it's a bit overpriced for something that I'm just going to rub up against my man parts and sphincter.  Can't live without it, though, so I make my own.  Here's how:

It starts with some basic raw ingredients and a container to hold it all in when you're done.  The container can be anything, really, as long as it is appropriately sized, seals well, and won't break if you drop it (or smash it in your gym bag).

Ingredients:

1. A jar of petroleum jelly (the medium or large ones work great, the smaller ones aren't really worth the mess of making it)
2. 2 or 3 tubes of antibiotic cream (2 for a medium jar, 3 for a large jar)
3. Some Witch Hazel (comes in a bottle like peroxide and rubbing alcohol)
4. A container to store it
5. Plastic knife and/or spoon, for mixing (plastic so you can just throw it away when you're done)  Anything disposable will work, really.

Instructions:

 

1.  Spoon in a layer of petroleum jelly (a half inch or so, depending on the size of your container)
2.  Squirt in about half a tube of the antibiotic cream

3.  Pour in enough witch hazel to cover that mess by a little bit (none of this is an exact science)

4.  Stir vigorously to get the liquid witch hazel suspended in the other goo
5.  Repeat with more layers until you're out of either petroleum jelly or antibiotic cream

That's it.  You've just made enough lube to keep your chamois happy for a lot of rides, all for under $10.

A note about application:
You have to put this stuff on thick.  I like to apply it to my chamois before I put my bibs on, and I'll go into the jar with 2 or 3 fingers to really get a big glob.  I smear it all over the chamois, really rub it around and cover the whole thing, but pay special attention to any seams or the edges of the pad.

You'll know you've applied it correctly when it feels really squishy and nasty when you first put it on.  Don't worry - within a few minutes of riding it will be all glory and no goo.